5 Really Dumb ‘War On Christmas’ Myths

It is that magical time of year again. A time where we see Paul Ryan slashing social security benefits to all the Whos in Whoville, and pretty much every single television break being one continuous Zales Diamond and Lexus advertisement. Indeed, Christmas is a two-month free-market orgy in which Americans show concern for their fellow man by trampling on him in the nearest “Buy Crap” box store. But it’s also a time where Fox News and Christofascists take time out of their hating the middle class, poor, and gays schedules and feign outrage over a supposed sinister “War on Christmas” being waged by godless liberals. It’s a joyous occasion!

Let’s face it – right-wingers have been hopelessly fighting this war (preferably by their proxy, Fox News) for quite some time now and, though nobody really seems to care, that certainly hasn’t stopped them from promulgating Christmas propaganda from now until the 25th. After all, if there’s anyone in this country who faces constant ridicule and persecution, it’s most definitely Christians. Even though the religious right really hates facts since they’re for terrorists, it’s probably worth noting that Christmas is a Pagan tradition and was banned by the Pilgrims.

So let’s take a look at 5 really dumb “War On Christmas” myths.

1. Walgreen’s War on Christmas.

The American Family Association, for example, has been fruitlessly waging a pathetic and ill-conceived boycott war on Walgreens for having the audacity to have its cashiers wish its diverse customers “Happy Holidays” upon checking out.

“It’s true!” bellowed the AFA. “At Walgreens, they advertise ‘Holiday Candy,’ ‘Holiday Gift Tags,’ ‘Holiday Gift Wrap,’ ‘Holiday Decor,’ ‘Holiday Accessories,’ ‘Holiday Nuts and Snacks’ and ‘Holiday Hats and Stockings.’ But no Christmas! In total, Walgreens used the term ‘holiday’ 36 times, rather than using ‘Christmas.’” (HuffingtonPost)

Apparently some entry-level schmuck at the AFA had to spend his days totaling the number of “holiday” salutations instead of, perhaps, devising strategies that help spread cheer to the less fortunate.

2. Walmart banning “Merry Christmas” greeting, via snopes.com

Not to insinuate that I would ever defend Walmart, but the War on Christmas creates strange allies. For example, in 2005, a woman sent an irate email to Walmart after one of its employees had wished her a “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas,” thus begging the question: who are these morons and where do they find the time to engage in such totally frivolous nonsense? Naturally, the dyspeptic woman received a mild response, saying that “Christmas traditions are rooted in Siberian shamanism and Santa is also borrowed from the Caucuses, mistletoe from the Celts, yule log from the Goths, the time from the Visigoth and the tree from the worship of Baal. It is a wide world”.

That’s right –Walmart reached a lucid conclusion based upon historical facts and verifiable ethnos. Despite a planned boycott by the Catholic League, Walmart continues to have its cashiers greet customers with “Happy Holidays”. Oh, and the employee who sent the reasonable email was fired.

3. A Hospital bans Christmas CD for mentioning Jesus.

It seems the Royal Edinburgh Hospital refused to distribute a CD of Christmas songs in its shop because evidently some of the songs mentioned Jesus. But much like with everything that comes out of the mouths of the right, it wasn’t true. After all, the first casualty of war is the truth. According to the Guardian, not only was the CD not banned, “it was actually made available at a hospital carol service that had mysteriously evaded the health authority’s attempts to stamp out Christmas.” Have yourselves a merry epic fail!

4. The John Birch Society.

For the uninitiated, the John Birch Society is a group made up of filthy rich oligarchs and plutocrats whose wealth comes from happening to be the spoiled offspring of workaholics. Its members, including the Koch brothers, have spent hordes of cash to prevent regulation of industry and legislation that seeks to benefit the middle-class. So it’s not especially surprising that in 1959, the John Birch Society warned America that it was under attack. So convinced of this impending anti-Christmas menace, they distributed a pamphlet called, “There Goes Christmas,”, as well as an essay by Hubert Kregeloh saying that the “Godless” United Nations was planning to take the meaning out of Christmas so that the Communists would win. It is now the year 2014: the Reds are dead, and the UN didn’t ban Christmas in American department stores. But uninformed voters eat up spooky language and scary music like pink slime.

5. Fox News and Right Wing websites declare Pilgrims would be outraged by today’s anti-Christmas treatment.

In its typical inflammatory fashion, the foxbots and mannequins over at Fox News continue to manipulate the history of Christmas in America. Laura Ingraham actually argued that the Pilgrims came to this country to celebrate Christmas. Not to burst the fantastically factless Fox News bubble, but history clearly shows that the Pilgrims, oppressive and rigid as they were, actually banned Christmas in Boston. In fact, it wasn’t until 1870 that Christmas was declared a federal holiday. But leave it to the 24-7 angry-white-person-manufactured-outrage- machine to whip their sheepish audience into a frenzy.

Featured Image courtesy of DemocraticUnderground

Michael is a comedian/VO artist/Columnist extraordinaire. Follow him on Twitter, Facebook, and ImpressionsGuy.com