Kids today, right? Sometimes you just have to waterboard them – especially when they’re not your own, like your girlfriend’s or something. Just waterboard them whenever they don’t listen, or perhaps tear their backpack, even though they are only five years old. Stick needles under their fingernails. Take a drill to their skull, or any other helpful parenting tip one might be able to take note of from a good spy movie or the model, helpful family folks at the CIA — whatever it takes to obtain the secret microfilm dominate authority over that child.
That’s what one Michigan man did, and for those of us living in the seams of the Mitten, waterboarding is especially easy. Hell, we’ve got water everywhere. Don’t let Detroit fool you. There’s water, if you’ve got the money to pay for it. If you’ve got the dough, you can stick a kid’s face under your own personal waterfall for as long as it takes for the child to cower forever in a corner at the mere whisper of your voice and still spray it in the face with a garden hose for kicks. You’ll have the kid just where you want it, and the child will do whatever you say to keep the water out of its eyes and the air in its lungs. That’s how you raise a child and show it love.
Forget about the life sentence 30-year-old Michael A. Porter of Flint now faces for putting his girlfriend’s five-year-old son on a footstool and waterboarding him. Sure, he might do some time, but how else are these kids going to learn? You can’t go around accidently tearing your backpacks up, can you? It’s best to use a strong hand and leave a lasting impression when they’re young if we’re ever going to set kids today straight.
And though, according to records at the Genesee County District Courts, Porter was arraigned Monday and is now being held on a $400,000 bond for eight felony counts, some of which include assault, imprisonment and child abuse, his honor as a model parent will continue to thrive in our hearts.
After all, how can we blame him? That kid had it coming, clearly. Porter was only doing what he’d heard big daddy Uncle Sam do so many times before in the news, and what he’d seen in a movie.
From you, all right? I learned it by watching you!
Porter told Mount Morris Police Chief Keith Becker, who in turn told NBC affiliate WEYI, out of Flint, that he’d “tied the 5-year-old’s hands up with a belt down by his sides, put a garment over his head down below his nose, laid him on a footstool on his back and poured water over his throat, face and mouth.”
And let’s face it, Porter couldn’t have gone any easier on his girlfriend’s 12-year-old son, either. He has to learn, too, doesn’t he? Which is probably why Becker has reason to believe Porter learned the 12-year-old something real good with a knife to the throat. Johnny’s sure not likely to forget that lesson now, is he – well worth the extra felony charges. One can only hope the two boys receive such care as Porter gave them now that they have been removed from the home.
The whole thing only came to a head, too, because the five-year-old’s teacher at the child’s elementary school noticed his behavior change.
Mount Morris Consolidated Schools Superintendent Tricia Hill, stated:
It’s very reassuring that our staff is paying very close attention to children and listening and doing what they know is right.
See how waterboarding pays off? Makes one wonder what it might take to get that going in public schools all over the country, doesn’t it? Imagine the shape this nation would be in tomorrow if we could only waterboard these kids. California would have to use saltwater or come up with something else, though. Maybe sandboarding could work?
When we normalize these practices by condoning them as a country, we open the way for all sorts of crimes against humanity, even on a personal level within our communities. We have become so desensitized to violence that we waterboard our children like it’s the same as putting them in time out. It’s become such a part of our existence that the idea seemed reasonable enough to Michael Porter at the time – just a little waterboarding, to teach the boy a lesson. That’s all. No big deal.
Thank God, flag and country we have such “patriots” like Michael Porter, willing to sacrifice their lives for the betterment of our children. If only more parents followed his cue and waterboarded their children.
But no, that would make sense, wouldn’t it?
Porter’s next appearance in court is set for May 28.
Featured image via nbcnews.com