Women should just lie there, silent, and hating themselves like the Lord intended!
I don’t know about you, but I like to consult with my Christian pastor before engaging in any type of sexual contact with my significant other, otherwise I spend all night worrying about hordes of demons wreaking havoc in our lives.
Luckily, one pastor from the UK has made a video of his experience after he was taken by an angel to speak with Jesus Christ who imparted the knowledge of “heaven approved” sexual activity. I mean he waited a few months to tell everybody, because he’s shy to talk about sex, so naturally he makes a two-part video series totaling 35 minutes dedicated to what couples cannot do together on their marriage beds (fornicators are already damned, so this is to warn married couples only).
The video, titled “Warnings To Married Christian Couples From The Lord Jesus Christ,” is from Pastor Oladejo. He believes the world is coming to an end any minute now and is the pastor of Complete in Christ Church in the UK, so he wants to help couples get right with god.
After reciting a prayer, Pastor Oladejo recounts his experience about having a dream where an angel takes him to the pits of hell. Don’t laugh! This is serious.
So, he’s in hell and he describes people being whipped and their souls slowly cut into pieces by demons only for their souls to reassemble themselves again and for the process to restart.
This is what Pastor Olajedo says happened next:
This was unbearable for any human being to see. So when I got there I told the angel, I said, ‘What is going on here? What is happening here?’ Then it told me something, do I know this place. It said it is bringing me to a department of Hell. This department is for the children of God, all married couples who masturbate or perform immorality in their bed. I didn’t understand that when he said that initially.
Okay, so obviously this guy has some pretty trippy dreams. The “Lord” came to this pastor in a dream and sent him to hell and right off there are masturbaters and married couples who believed in god, but didn’t have sex the right way and now they’re damned to an eternity in hell, being tortured and cut into pieces.
God is an a**hole, because he expects people not to touch their genitals even though their hands, he supposedly gave them, reach paradise perfectly, and even if the couple waited to be married before having sex he’s still punishing them for the kind of sex they have. What a d*ck!
Anyway, god tells him that married couples who experiment in bed are doing so to their own detriment because they will not make it to heaven with this kind of behavior.
So the kind of sex that’s off the table? Anal (of course), doggy style, woman on top, pile driver, sultry saddle, standing up, the spider, the speed bump, cunnilingus, fellatio, bondage, you know, pretty much anything fun.
What is allowed? Missionary. God is so boring. Hell sounds great pitted against a lifetime of missionary.
Here is the full video: