Pseudoscience Crank Ken Ham Thinks His Fake Ark Will Convince You To ‘Trust’ Creationist Garbage


Ken Ham is offering sneak peeks into his “Ark Encounter”, and he’s pretty sure that visiting his Biblical perversion park will convince you that creationists have been right along long, despite all the evidence to the contrary.

And if that assuredness seems like an insult aimed at your personal intelligence . . . well, it is.

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“Jaw-Dropping Experience”

Ken Ham is a “biblical literalist,” and he’s been doing everything possible to convince you to agree with him — including the construction of a massive park in Kentucky with a “life-sized replica” of Noah’s ark that he’s sure will convince you Noah was real.

The ark has been shrouded with controversy, in part because the state of Kentucky felt that proving the story of Utnapishtim possible was a good way to spend your tax dollars. It’s slated to open in July of this year, and Ham, in anticipation for that grand opening date, is releasing pictures of his “Ark Encounter.”

Because Ham is a Biblical literalist, he made the Ark to scale. Because he failed to convert cubits to feet, the finished Ark will be close to 450 feet long, 150 on the short end, and stand roughly eight stories tall, in comparison to Biblical dimensions: about 42 feet tall and about 78 feet wide.

Describing his ark, which will be the largest timber structure in the world once it’s completed, Ham said:

This huge teaching exhibit is a totally immersive experience where guests actually step inside this enormous wooden ship, our depiction of what is described in Genesis. . .

These guests often stop in their tracks. They contemplate the massive beams and the craftsmanship. They talk to me about the obvious complexity in the Ark’s engineering and architecture. In doing so, they begin to think about Noah in a correct way. You see, many people have (even unwittingly) adopted an evolutionary view of history, thinking that ancient people were less intelligent and less advanced than we are today. They wondered how Noah could have built such an impressive ship.

Ancient Egyptians built the pyramids. The Ancient Sumerians developed irrigation techniques. The Ancient Greeks were a hair’s breadth away from kick-starting an industrial revolution, and built one of the world’s first analog computers. The Indus Valley Civilization had running water and a sewage system in 2600 BCE.

The Ancient Mayans had one of the most advanced calendars in the world, charting the phases of Venus. The Chinese . . .  well, I mean, here’s the only axiom you need to know regarding world history: if at any point before the 1700s, the Europeans accomplished or discovered a technology, the Chinese probably did it first.

The only people who think the “ancients” are less intelligent are self-assured fools who don’t know anything about history.

Furthermore, that’s not Noah’s engineering. Ham’s crew used power tools, something Noah didn’t have — unless, of course, you’re one of those creationists who believe that Noah’s contemporary citizens of the world were post-singularity gods who rivaled the archailects of the Orion’s Arm Universe Project.

This, of course, explains fully why Noah built his boat out of wood. Wood is clearly superior to lotus-coated long-chain polymer/tungsten alloys, carbon nanofiber smart composites, AB matter, or whatever else you can think of in every way possible.

According to Ham, there are going to be 132 exhibits on three decks. The purpose is to prove that two of every land animal could’ve fit on the Biblical watercraft, in an effort to “teach us to trust God’s Word.”

Which would be great, if Genesis didn’t already tell us Noah took seven, not two, of every clean animal.

Presumably MIA is the 130ft long, 65 feet tall unnamed Patagonian titanosaur, a beast that’s actually taller than the Biblical dimensions of Noah’s ark and can fit — just barely — in Ham’s version, and the even larger A. fragillimus at 240 some feet long (over half the length of the Ark in either version).

Pando also isn’t expected to make an appearance, either.

I’m eager to see how Ham fits two of those suckers on his boat, though, along with other massive Titanosaurs — because I think Noah would’ve been better off sticking with AB matter instead of wood.


Feature image via Screen Shot

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