Guns.com, hip haven for the intellectually impaired ammosexuals of ‘Murica, is well-known for its advocacy of all things stupid. Thinking about bringing a loaded weapon to a playground in case you need to spray a bad guy with lead through the jungle gym? Then this is the site for you.
A recent article on the page that would have everyone in America carrying long guns through Toys-R-Us to protect the action figures from tyranny, aims to teach people how to win a gunfight.
You heard that right — how to win a gunfight.
The last time I was in a gunfight I was eleven and my neighbor ambushed me with a Super Soaker. It was an ugly battle, and in the end we were both drenched and there may have been some crying. In more than forty years of living in both urban and rural environments, I have never witnessed a real live gunfight.
Why? Because gunfights happen on TV. Gunfights happen when militia morons hole up in their Texas compounds to reject the authority of the federal government. Even in those high crime areas where shootings are common, shooting back is not. Gun deaths are usually one-sided.
Just in case, though, guns.com wants you to be prepared.
The in-depth article lists 20 rules and the reasoning behind each. Rather than post their ridiculous reasoning, I will instead give a rundown of the rules from the point of view of a typical sane person who is sick and tired of the glorification of gun violence.
- Be prepared to use deadly force – When ordering your coffee be aware that the person behind you could be considering killing you in broad daylight in a busy store. The possibility that he is really waiting to order a soy latte shouldn’t be considered if you want to live to see another scone.
- Have a plan to kill everyone you meet – Circumstances don’t matter. If you’re a true patriot and love your country you will automatically envision a target on the forehead of that seven-year-old nefariously riding the horsey in front of the grocery store.
- Action is faster than reaction – You should therefore have your weapon at the ready and draw any time anyone moves ever. The guy on the moped may be a trained assassin, and the pizza delivery kid is probably looking to kill you before you kill him. Especially if he has read these rules.
- Have a positive ID on the threat/target, then shoot – Now that you’re prepared to kill, are constantly in an offensive frame of mind and don’t care who your target is, make sure you know who your target is.
- Shoot from behind cover, if possible – There should be a wooden barrel filled with water nearby, or possibly a push-cart filled with oranges. Car doors and dumpsters might make good cover but wouldn’t be nearly as cool to watch when bullets fly.
- Shoot on the move, shoot then move, move then shoot – Basically, bring enough ammo with you wherever you go to be constantly firing. This may require you outfitting your gun with 4,000 round magazines so you won’t have to reload between home and the bus stop.
- Don’t turn your back on the threat – Since everyone is apparently a threat, wear roller skates for a smooth transition to your constant 360 degree spinning action. Spinning, firing, acting instead of reacting and not caring who you hit will keep you safe.
- Keep your eyes on the threat – At this point if you’re following all the rules you qualify for superhero status and eyes should sprout on the back of your head to accommodate the spinning, firing, acting instead of reacting and disregard for human life.
- Don’t hesitate – Since you’re burning enough gunpowder to keep warm during a polar vortex this shouldn’t be a problem.
- Never give up your weapon – When local, state and federal authorities are called because by now you’ve shot 14 dozen people and a seeing eye dog look for water barrels, shoot, move, move shoot, spin, rinse and repeat.
- Shoot center mass – While spinning, looking for cover, killing and all the other things you’re doing, make sure every shot does the most damage possible.
- Know your ballistics and how it pertains to wound penetration – CSI is a great resource for knowledge of this sort. Not CSI Miami, though, that red-headed guy is annoying.
- Shoot until the threat stops – If you’re unsure on how this works call Darren Wilson.
- Have a self-aid/buddy aid kit handy – One of those cool knives Rambo carried with a compass and a suture kit should do just fine.
- Don’t give up space you’ve already taken when clearing a room – It’s probably best to clone yourself for maximum efficiency and so you can yell “clear” after you’ve done your best Steven Seagal and made sure nobody is hiding under your sofa. Wait, are we in the house now? Keep spinning just in case things go horrible wrong.
- It’s OK to retreat – Not that a super-duper tough guy like you who is so prepared and kills indiscriminately would have to, but just in case, there’s no shame in retreat.
- Don’t be a wuss – Those kids playing touch football are most likely your mortal enemy, and if you show even a glimmer of humanity, compassion or selflessness you’ll probably be dead within minutes.
- Be aggressive – The first 17 rules weren’t clear on this, so just in case you were wondering.
- Know and be confident in your weapon disarming techniques – Karate chops to the neck and invoking the spirit of Chuck Norris will help.
- Train hard – Just make sure before you train that you’ve killed everyone around you, spun enough to make a figure skater dizzy and cleared the room you’re training in. Before you know it you’ll be ready to reload and go back outside to kill some more.
Always remember, guns don’t kill people, you kill people. As many as you can. As often as you can. Without hesitation or remorse.
You are officially ready to go about your day in a safe and responsible manner.