Have you ever thought to yourself about building a roller coaster that sexually assaults its riders, possibly calling it the Cosby Coaster? No, you haven’t because that would be phenomenally inappropriate. And unless you’re a member of ISIS, you probably wouldn’t want to pitch an assault-rifle theme park in which kids get to unload assault weapons.
In what is not even the Onion, because not even the Onion could fathom such a horribly idiot concept, kids can shoot high-powered automatic machine guns at an Orlando, Florida attraction in what’s being dubbed Machine Gun America. Of course, you have to be 13 years of age in order fulfill the American Dream in accidentally killing yourself, or a loved one. I mean, somebody has to have morals.
Machine Gun America, which sounds like a Ted Nugent porn, apparently offers high-tech simulators that allows god-fearing and sanctimonious ammosexuals the opportunity to gun down zombies and bad guys. After all, the only thing that stops a bad zombie with a gun is a good zombie with a gun. Even if that sounds cool — and it kind of does — allowing kids as young as 13 to use high-power automatic weapons (the ones used to kill Bin Laden and shoot terrorists from the sky) is as dumb as allowing kids as young as 13 to use high-power automatic weapons.
“Everybody has something they always wanted to try,” General manager Bruce Nierenberg told 10News “This would be on people’s bucket list to try it and have a new experience. “It’s romanticizing our freedom and our history, I mean, it’s part of American life. That’s how we gained our freedom.” (The Mirror)
Indeed, our founding fathers created liberty (and a colonial Groupon) for all when they grabbed an Uzi and shot down some evil British zombies. That’s because they didn’t, and Nierenberg is a totally clueless ammosexual who should be banned from making analogies. Critics of the theme park must really hate the founding fathers, and Ted Nugent-style freedom, as they claim the concept is dangerous and moreover, somewhat bizarre given that Orlando is famed for its family-oriented attractions.
‘You’ve got Holy Land right there in Orlando. You’ve got Disney World, and Epcot,’ said Lucia Kay McBath, a member of Moms Demand Action for Gun Sense. ‘All places for family fun where they should feel protected.’ (The Mirror)
Holy land? Does this woman know that Moses led the Jews to the promised land by firing off an automatic rifle? And you haven’t loved Mickey Mouse until you met Uzi the Hollow Tipped Bullet. But seriously, right-wing America’s unusual obsession with gun worship and lack of sensible gun measures cannot possibly get any more extreme.