Watch: Duck Dynasty Patriarch Threatens America With Potential Presidential Bid (VIDEO)

Did you ever stop and say to yourself, “Do you know what’s missing this year? Phil Robertson.”

If not, congratulations, you’re a sane adult. Phil Robertson would still to remind us he thinks he matters, though, and after being bounced around as a potential VP for short-term presidential nominee Bobby “Party of Stupid” Jindal, he’s back, and he’s threatening America with the potential of a presidential bid.

Oh yes. Phil Robertson and Donald Trump, going head-to-head over the Evangelical vote? Because clearly, the proper response to fascism is a different type of fascism. This is just how the right-wing works, people.

“They’re going to force me to run”

Robertson announced his potential presidential bid during a My Faith Votes hosted teleforum last week. The organization, My Faith Votes, is a religious right effort that’s overseen by Ben Carson and wants to mobilize the 25 million some Christians to vote in 2016.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But Thamiel, how can he announce he’s potentially thinking about a bid for office now? Isn’t there like, three months until the election?”

A little under, actually. But time apparently works differently in the world where you’re dead before you’re even out of the womb and live from the “moment” of conception.

Frankly, I wish that if he were going to run, he would’ve announced it sooner. Then Trump would really have had to work for it. Or we’d have a Trump-Robertson ticket — because the last time we put a washed up actor from Hollywood on the ticket, it worked so well two of them seemed like a great idea.

Robertson kicked the teleforum off by agreeing with a caller who whined that the ominous-sounding “Rising Secularism™” in the United States is the “greatest assault on Christianity.”

Not the guy with the hairpiece who literally lies about being a Christian just so you suckers will vote for him. The thrice-divorced, non-churchgoing, belligerent, stupid, monomaniacal egotistical narcissist that you line up behind despite everything he (doesn’t) stand for– he’s not a threat to Christianity, no sir. What threat could the closest thing to an actual Antichrist ever present?

The assault on blind authoritarianism “Christianity”, according to Robertson, is the fault of voters who “elect depraved souls” instead of candidates who defend the righteous Bronze Age morality of yestermillenniums.

You call it secularism,” Robertson said, “I just call it the Evil One, the Evil One that controls human beings.

“I just call it the Evil One, because I’m not creative but I want to be melodramatic all the same.” Why not refer to it as the Great Satan?

Oh, wait. Sorry. That’s taken. I can’t tell these toxic, deranged bearded reactionaries apart, to be honest.

Robertson invoked what I like to call the “hell in a handbasket” argument: the world is going to hell in a handbasket. It’s overrun with liars and murderers — because those two things are totally morally equivalent, yes sir, no use for granularity or graduated distinctions here — and this is the result of the usual boogiemen: evolution, separation of church and state, God out of public schools, we’ve heard it all before.

The only hope for Christians is if they vote for the godliest candidate, according to Robertson. He went on to qualify what he meant by that, which is probably a good thing, since inviting comparisons between their petty, abusive, jackass god and the petty, abusive, jackass Donald Trump probably isn’t a wise move:

The one that at least won’t disarm us, spiritually speaking and physically speaking.

Robertson continued, issuing an ominous threat:

I can’t tell you how to vote, if they keep fooling around long enough, they’re going to force me to run. If you want to see a change in America, get me in there, dude, and there will be a big change then, if you all are ready for it.

I am totally not ready for it, dude. Don’t threaten us like that.

Watch the video below:


Feature image via screenshot 


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