Vice President Defeats Ebola


The Secret Service’s ability to protect the first family came under more scrutiny Monday, when two Ebolas scaled the fence and made it through 5 layers of perimeter security and at least one Stromboni sammich into the White House. The Obamas weren’t home, but Vice President Biden nearly missed his flight to Los Angeles doing battle with the trespassing pathogens. Armed with only a shotgun and the toy Thundercats sword that hangs in his office, our Vice President was able to single-handedly defeat the foreign intruders. One witness stated that the Veep “hadn’t gone into Beast Mode like this since he mopped the stage with Paul Ryan in 2012. It was like dropping a hungry tiger into a herd of wounded deer.” One Secret Service agent took a drag off his vaporizer and whispered, “I almost felt sorry for the Ebolas. Almost. He beat the sick off of those things.”

The viruses were overheard mispronouncing the imaginary Gadsden battle-snake hymn ‘molon labe’ and complaining about taxes, leading experts to believe they were a mutation from the original patient zero where it all began, Benghazi. If so, Biden saved the country. The second we let Benghazibola take control of the White House, we’re doomed. A crowd gathered around the skirmish of middle-earth and cheered as Biden held his shotgun above his head and yelled, “This. Is my boomstick!” before leaping onto a velociraptor and riding it up a rainbow.

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The incident will do nothing to quell the rumors that Joe Biden plans to skip a bid for the Presidency to become Batman in 2016. Faint strains of Yakety Sax could be heard as the Secret Service canvassed 1400 Pennsylvania Avenue in an effort to neutralize the threat from a team of Wasilla Moosebillies.

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