Saturday morning, Trump was going through his usual routine of drinking six quarts of Red Bull while wistfully flipping through his Ivanka photo albums when a novel idea suddenly occurred to him. He raced to Twitter to let his eager followers know exactly what his plans were as the most powerful man in the world:
Subject to the receipt of further information, I will be allowing, as President, the long blocked and classified JFK FILES to be opened.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 21, 2017
That’s right! Donald Trump will finally be opening that presidential book hidden in the Library of Congress (and found by Nicolas Cage) that contains all of the secrets passed down from president to president across the ages to reveal what really happened to JFK.
Just kidding! Despite the fact that he tried to make it sound like it was his idea, and happening only under his authority, it turns out that the “JFK FILES,” as he so loudly put it, were scheduled to be released no later than next Thursday, October 26, 2017. Coincidentally, that date is exactly 25 years to the day after the “President John F. Kennedy Assassination Records Collection Act of 1992” was passed by the 102nd Congress.
Okay, I’m kidding again. Democratic Senator and American hero John Glenn introduced the bill in July of that year — likely while production was wrapping up on Donald Trump’s star cameo in the Hollywood blockbuster “Home Alone 2: Lost In New York.”
Especially relevant in the text of the bill is Section 2, which discusses the reasoning behind Senator Glenn’s proposal of it.
Isn’t it weird, how Trump really emphasized the fact that the “JFK FILES” were “long blocked and classified” and that he was gonna do something about it? I mean, besides the fact that all he’s actually doing is allowing an existing law to, uh, continue to exist and carry out as planned. No, what’s weird is WHO “long blocked and classified” those files. John Glenn (who may or may not know the truth about the moon landing) was kind enough not to name the sitting president he was indicting in this bill for obstructing the files’ release, but the math is pretty simple: From July to October of 1992, the entire time this bill was debated until its passage, the person referred to as “the executive branch” was former president (and even former-er CIA Chief) George H.W. Bush.
A Republican. As usual.
Anyway, thanks, Trumpykins! We really appreciate you, uh, not stopping this thing that was totally going to happen even if you’d been hit by a meteor the day you admitted you were a sexual predator. I wonder how long the presidential records on all the crimes you’ve committed since your inauguration will remain sealed.
Featured image via Chris Kleponis (Pool)/Getty Images