Top 10 Things ‘Scariest Man Alive’ Chuck Norris Says Congress Should Do…Or Else (NOT SATIRE)


Moles live underground because Chuck Norris doesn’t like them. When Chuck Norris visited Zion, Neo became “The Two.”

So, since Chuck Norris just decided what the new congress should do, they had better listen. Or else.


Chuck Norris writes a laughable column for Townhall.com that gets little exposure. The website’s Facebook page seldom posts links to his reiterations of conservative garbage. One of his latest articles, which got him a whopping 168 shares on social media is all about what congress should do according to Chuck Norris.

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Apparently nobody told Chuck Norris that parroting GOP ideologies that a Republican-led congress will most definitely be pursuing isn’t journalism, it isn’t good op-ed, it’s joining the ranks of ordinary right-wing nut-jobs.

So far Chuck Norris hasn’t shown up at the steps of the Capitol demanding his ideas be implemented immediately lest he start kicking the asses of congressmen.

Rather than quoting all ten of Chuck’s “Top 10 resolutions for the new congress,” Here’s a breakdown with a short liberal leaning bit of snark of each that is sure to send Norris to my door demanding I do as I’m told.

Presenting Chuck Norris’ (for real) Top Ten Resolutions for the New Congress:

10. Reel in Executive power and Presidential orders

Is that a permanent request or are you recommending we change the constitution only until it no longer suits Chuck Norris’ plan for America?

9. Defund and repeal Obamacare

What an original idea.  Tell us, Chuck, which of the Republican-sponsored plans should we go with, or are we to go back to allowing insurance companies to rob us blind?  Should people who fall into the income gap start using the ER as their primary care physician again?

8. Restore the 10th Amendment and a real balance of power between the federal and state governments

So…Because you want individual states to be able to do things like ban same-sex marriage, discriminate against minorities and repeal Roe v. Wade for their citizens we should ignore the 14th amendment that guarantees the federal rights of all Americans not be infringed by the states?

7. Restore federal fiscal sanity and finally lower our national debt

Let me re-word this for you, Chucky:

“Ignore the fact that we just emerged from a disastrous economy brought on by a Republican and the fact that federal fiscal sanity was restored shortly after Bush left office.  Pretend the debt belongs exclusively to the President and that two wars and an unfunded gift to big pharma coupled with unprecedented deregulation and tax-cuts for the wealthy had nothing to do with it.”

6. Our country needs the FairTax

Again, allow me to re-word this for you:

“Our wealthy people need to pay less while the middle class loses their mortgage, education and child tax credits so people like me who were born with a silver spoon in their mouth can dump more money into offshore bank accounts.”

5. Quit playing semantics and patty-cake with Islamic extremism, and defend America in the war on terror before it’s too late (again)

When was it too late the first time?  Was it after Bush ignored the credible threats of 9/11, when we created tens of thousands of new terrorists by invading Iraq based on a lie or when we funded and mobilized Al Qaeda to begin with?

Apparently Chuck doesn’t read the news.  News tells us that with international cooperation and a successful drone program we’re pushing those terrorists back without putting thousands more troops in their graves or on permanent disability for their injuries.

4. Secure our borders; stop amnesty; and preserve a path for only legal immigration

Discriminate against people who were brought here as children by their parents.  Ignore that illegal immigration is still illegal.  Make sure only white people from Canada and Europe are allowed in while we build over a thousand miles of the Great Wall of America with no conceivable way to pay for it.

3. Defend our Bill of Rights, especially the Second Amendment (Enter shameless sh*tty book plug here.)

Some more re-wording is definitely necessary:

“Defend one of the few amendments not under attack by conservatives and the right-leaning Supreme Court.  Remove the parts of the first amendment that allow everyone to practice whatever religion they want and institute Christianity as the official American religion.  Ignore the 14th amendment, demanding unreasonable ‘compromise’ in exchange for debt ceiling raises, and erase the rest allowing states to take away our rights guaranteed by federal law if they see fit.  Allow voter discrimination.”

Need I go on?

2. Return our government to the constitutional republic that our founders created

Blah blah blah constitution, blah blah blah founding fathers, blah blah blah republic.

The founding fathers were progressives who understood that society would need to evolve, hence the three branch system of Government.

The constitution wasn’t meant to be carved in stone tablets, it was meant to evolve right along with us.

And, finally, Chuck Norris’ final nugget of golden “wisdom”…


1. Fight to elect a real commander-in-chief in 2016 who can restore America and its standing in the world

Because the last “real commander” was such a success.  We were the laughing-stock of the civilized world.  Our international respect rating was in the toilet.  (We’re number one again in case you were wondering, Chuck.)  We engaged in atrocities like torture and invaded a country based on a lie for profit.

Yeah, we should do that again.  In case you didn’t notice, the actions of that “real commander” also landed the economy at the bottom of a rubble heap.

Well there you have it.  Chuck Norris is nothing but a right-wing shill whose writing skills are the only thing scary about him at all, except his acting skills.

In case you’re reading this, Chuck;  “Walker Texas Ranger” was one of the worst TV shows ever produced. EVER.

Put that in your proverbial pipe and smoke it, douchebag.

Featured Image: Bornrich.com

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