Texas Governor Steals February 2nd From Groundhogs, Declares It ‘Chris Kyle Day’


Texas Governor Greg Abbott must think groundhogs are women, gay or minorities.  He’s decided that those furry little bundles of cute don’t deserve to be recognized anymore, stripping them of their one glorious day a year in favor of American liar, Chris Kyle.

The move is a complete publicity stunt unprecedented. Governor Abbott, who is sure to accomplish next to nothing other than pissing off sane people while in office, has decided that glorifying a man who murdered indiscriminately and then bragged about it in a book filled with lies and half-truths deserves February 2, more than groundhogs do.

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Resident right-wing nut jobs are looking forward to dressing in full camo and killing anything that looks Muslim –  oops, “protecting our freedom.” No word yet if exaggerating your life-events or inventing stories about killing people which never happened will earn them their own movie.

Groundhog day dates back to 17th century Europe.  The first recorded reference was in 1841.  A tradition that gives us something to talk about in the dead of winter and sparked one hell of a good Bill Murray movie is apparently not important enough for gun-toting Muslim-hating Lonestar State bigots.

After extensive research this writer was able to conclude that there is absolutely nothing going on this February 3rd.  Or the 4th.  I have a dentist appointment on the 5th, so that’s no good, but there may have been other options for Abbott.

Groundhogs nationwide are said to be organizing a revolt against Abbott, and plan to go door-to-door in Texas on February 2nd to remind people that it’s their day and to personally let them know whether or not spring will come early.

Those cheeky little bastards.  They don’t deserve this kind of discrimination.  Then again neither do women, the gay community or minorities.

Alas, this is Texas we’re talking about.

H/T: Liberal America | Image: Onwardstate.com

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