Ted Cruz Wants You To Know He Doesn’t Have Any ‘Views’ On The Size Of Trump’s ‘Anatomy’


Ted Cruz wants everyone to know that he has “no views” on the size of the Teflon Don’s anatomy and he isn’t interested in talking about it when he voluntarily shared that information CBS this weekend.

Oh yes. It’s come to this: Ted Cruz is attempting to be the adult in the adult in the room. Gentlefolk of the Internet, behold the other half of American politics!

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The Party Of Putzes

I’ve written sentences this election cycle that I never thought I would have to write; repeating things said by so-called “adults” that makes me roll my eyes and reflect with genuine admiration at the maturity and restraint of my eighth graders in comparison.

Thus, when Rubio attacked the size of Trump’s penis with a decades old joke (that leans towards homophobia, one might add) on Thursday, I wasn’t surprised.

I beat my head on the corner of a table until I blacked out, hoping in vain that once sufficiently brain damaged I might be able to understand just what the appeal of these men is, but I wasn’t surprised. I mean, I always knew the “P” in “GOP” stood for “prick” and every election cycle since Reagan has been a measurement of who can be the bigger schmuck, but who would’ve thought it could became so literal?

It takes a lot to make a theocratic tool like Ted Cruz look like the adult — especially with a face that practically invented the German term Backpfeifengesicht — but on Sunday, he attempted to do just that while sitting across from Face of the Nation host, John Dickerson.

Unfortunately, it just ended up looking awkward. Especially since Cruz volunteered the information without any prompting:

We saw moments of Marco Rubio and Donald Trump engaging in insults, engaging in off-color jokes just getting nastier, nastier and throwing mud. My approach, John, I’m not going to play that game. I’m not going to engage in the insults, I’m not going throw the mud.

I don’t really have any views on the size of Donald Trump’s anatomy, and I’m not interesting in talking about it, but what I am interested in talking about is the issues facing the American people.

But according to Rubio, “the size of Donald Trump’s anatomy” is the biggest issue facing the American people. Otherwise he wouldn’t have brought it up during a presidential debate.

I doubt this attempt at being an adult will put him ahead, since Cruz is still tailing behind Trump, but at least he’s attempting to be an adult. He’s failing, but bless his heart, he’s trying.


Feature image via Gage Skidmore/Flickr

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