Ted Cruz Wants Volunteers To ‘Strap On Full Armor Of God’ So He Can Win


Cruz is the man we haven’t heard a lot from this election cycle. He bobbed to the surface, but he’s not been able to match the support pulled by the Teflon Don, who’s been pulling at least twice his numbers in the polls.

Even though he’s still getting stomped by the Donald, recent polls show he’s doing better than ever, and on Thursday morning, Ted Cruz predicted he could win the race, and asked his supporters to don God’s “full armor” so he can win.

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The Republican primary, so far, has been little better than the slow motion feature film of a derailing train. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was more insightful and intelligent in its social commentary. Thus, I welcome Cruz’s prediction the process could be over by the end of March — or, rather, I would, if it didn’t mean one of the lunatics running would have to get the nod, as I doubt Mickey Mouse is going to jump in and take over America’s Fascist Party.

Cruz made the prediction during a conference call, with the purpose of rallying his troops against the deluge of attack ads he thinks is coming:

There is a very good possibility that the Republican primary will be decided by the end of March,” Cruz said, telling his volunteers they should “strap on the full armor of God.” He predicted tens of millions of dollars could be spent against him in January alone, adding, “We ain’t seen nothing yet.

Everything is always war metaphors. If these people are so desperate to fight, pick up a gun and do some actual fighting in the Middle East, those cowards.

Cruz continued, telling his troops to ignore the criticism, as his opponents will “toss out any lie, toss out any attack, and the attack will do its damage before anyone discovers it’s not true.”

Cruz is doing pretty well for himself, the call comes a day after the campaign announced it’d raised $20 million in the fourth quarter of 2015, which is the biggest haul by far. De Krampus was nice to Cruz, it seems, and while some might think that sort of money is corrupting, Cruz assured his troops he would be a responsible steward of the money.

Cruz only made a few references to the Teflon Don, who’s the candidate to beat and has been since he dove in last spring. Mark Campbell, the political director for the Cruz campaign, told the volunteers the “establishment wing of the Republican Party is coming to our campaign as the alternative to Mr. Trump.”

Think about how scary that is for a second. Cruz is the anointed king of the End Times transfer of Wealth to the righteous gentiles, according to his batshit father. Cruz is steeped in dominonist and reconstructionist lore. He’s a literal poison pill, and he’s the best alternative the GOP can manage to the Teflon Don.

There literally is no good Republican candidate. None. And remember this in November, since not voting at all is a vote for whichever one of these lunatics gets the nod.


Feature image via Flickr

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