Hi there. You probably remember me. My car was parked on a side street in a fairly “nice” neighborhood in Philadelphia over the weekend. I was the guy who bothered no one and stayed with some friends for a few days. You? All I really know about you is that you don’t know the differences between socialism and communism and that you carry a pen on you for one reason or another. Anyway, I had a great time — I was able to use this weekend for some much-needed relaxation catching up with friends and colleagues and left Sunday morning feeling refreshed and relaxed.
I didn’t notice what you wrote when I packed my suitcase and laptop back into my car, hopped in, and drove off. In fact, it was not until an hour later when I stopped for gas along the Pennsylvania Turnpike that I noticed, scrawled in pen, your ever-so-eloquent message on my “Bernie 2016” bumper sticker: “You’re a ball less commie bitch.” How original.
Sure, I could be mad; I’m not — I fully expected that our friends on the Right have no self-control when I chose to display my support for Senator Sanders on my car. But, friend, a sticker that is directly on the other side of my car makes it very clear that I am not a Communist. In fact, I am a fairly open and proud Democratic Socialist. I have been for years, before such a term was “cool.”
Yes, yes, I know that the expression of political views with which you disagree caused your brain-thing to throb until the thought monkeys burst out and made you scrawl your barely-legible screed. Calling me a “ball less” individual, of course, is interesting considering you did not choose to confront me with your undoubtedly hilarious beliefs face-to-face, choosing instead to leave them for me to find when I returned to my vehicle. I would have even accepted a long-form note. You obviously had a pen on you. I am, however, both shocked and gratified that you used the correct “you’re.” This is, of course, uncommon among those of your leanings. Keep up the good work!
Now, here’s why you obviously did not think this through…
In writing on my Sanders sticker, you caused me to have to replace it. To do so, I was forced to visit the store on the 2016 hopeful’s campaign website. Since you required me to buy a new one, this means that I paid $5 to Bernie’s campaign. Of course, as I was offered an opportunity to also donate, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to give the Senator $50 more of my money. After all, such an expression reminded me that it is important for me to give my money to a candidate that I feel is most qualified to oppose the very sort of hatred you expressed, mysterious sticker-writer.
I’m not angry with you. You were simply acting within what can be expected of you, given your nature. One can’t truly be angry at a cat for attempting to eat a mouse, or at one of George Bush’s paintings for being terrible. It’s in their nature, and nothing can change that, just as it is in yours to be an unctuous taint-blemish. Frankly, I thank you for giving me another opportunity to donate to the Sanders campaign and look forward to seeing him trounce Trump, or Carson, or whichever Clown Car™ candidate you support.
Sure, I could have flown off the handle — but your ignorance and hatred do not affect me. Besides, it’s a lot more fun knowing that, if you read this, you are aware that you effectively donated to the Sanders campaign. In fact, if the new one is ever defaced, my experience with you has caused me to decide I will donate to his campaign each and every time. Enjoy sleeping at night.
John “Ball Less Commie Bitch” Prager
If You Only News has not endorsed any candidate. The views expressed in this article are those of the author alone.