6 Jobs That Are Perfect For John Boehner Now That He Is Quitting Congress


As you probably know John Boehner, Speaker of the House, is tucking tail and running from a ‘brewing’ Tea Party revolt. Not only is he resigning as Speaker, he is leaving the Congress to spread his wings and make embarrassingly huge sums of money — as most politicians do when put out to pasture. This unexpected development has led to much speculation about what Boehner will do, now that he can stop pretending to get things done and rest on his laurels of, well, attempting to make sure that nothing could get done.

So what jobs are out there that would be just perfect for the soon-to-be former Representative? Let’s explore the possibilities – shall we? With the qualifications that he has, there are so many options!

  1. Local Beauty Queen

    • Cries for little reason, winning or losing, and no one makes fun of him.
    • Can talk about any aspect of Foreign or Domestic policy but is not expected to actually do anything about it.
    • Is at many large events, though their notoriety is usually short lived.
  2. Used Car Salesman

    • Using his skills of talking circles would probably give him the largest commissions wherever he works.
    • Has been selling America a substandard and self-destructive plan for a really long time – those skills have to translate to selling lemons to young people with bad credit.
    • His “guilty” feels have long been burnt out from the above and that would mean he could even sleep at night, even knowing he spent the day screwing people over.
  3. 1% housewife

    • Never has to actually do anything – except “lunch.” (Fundraisers, society events and bulimia are not always optional, of course.)
    • Think that they can obstruct anything they want, even cops (and it is hilarious when they try).
    • Still get more media attention than they deserve and can have been a total harlot but are still considered a quality person once wed to Daddy Warbucks.
  4. Maury Povich audience member

    • Would be great at inciting “boo’s and hisses” against the bad guy on the stage. He’s had a lot of practice.
    • Could turn on the waterworks in an instant for the camera should things get emotional.
    • Can work drunk, no one would notice.
  5. Highschool VP

    • Can micromanage teens lives with little to no oversight, and due to tenure not be fired for sucking at his job.
    • Stands behind the Principal in meetings and looks scary, and writes nasty letters to parents.
    • Is in charge of making sure no food fights occur in the cafeteria. (This may disqualify him, seeing as he couldn’t control the adults in the House – and the teenagers wouldn’t even pretend to respect him.)
  6. Bartender

    • Puts him in a great place, doing what he loves and around the Jamison he loves even more.
    • His father was one, so he would be following in his father’s footsteps and may regain some much-needed self-esteem by doing so. It is honest work, after all, and he’d save a ton on his bar tabs.
    • Still get to see most of his pals in Congress nearly every night they work, so like 12 times a year.

Honestly, any of these also has the added advantage that he would not, in any way, have anything to do with any decisions made regarding the American people or the American government. This is the best part of all the jobs listed here!

(My apologies to anyone who has any of the jobs listed above, you guys are awesome and hardworking Americans – I bet he couldn’t handle even the first day of the work you do to make a buck. Now that you had a good laugh, pass it on so your friends can too!)

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