5 Things Right-Wingers Can Do To Feel Better About Being Such Losers This Week


When the GOP took the Senate in a disturbing yet predictable red and purple state election cycle, liberals and moderates worried that with our only defense of the absolute insanity of the right-wing being the White House that the President’s last two years would be wrought with disappointment and riddled with vetoes. Within a couple of weeks, a revitalized Barack Obama took to the task of governing, and decided that if congress was determined to continue sitting on their hands doing nothing, he would move the country forward himself.

The result was a calmer, cooler President with little to lose, taking what would normally be a lame duck half-term and turning it into a history making, GOP butthurt-causing time to point at them and laugh.

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Stupidity, bigotry, ignorance and hate would not win.

This past week is the epitome of shame for the right. Not only did their nemesis, the black man in the White House, get to see his signature healthcare law cemented down by the Supreme Court, the actions of one of their own unspeakably evil conservatives led to the demise of a century and a half old racist symbol that adorned government buildings, courtyards, and monuments throughout the south.

When the Supreme Court came out Friday in support of same-sex marriage, Republicans saw not only one of their most popular things to hate legalized, they saw it legalized under President Obama.

History will be kind to this President for all of his accomplishments.

So now the crying begins, and so it has. Every piece of garbage bigot from the Attorney General of Oklahoma to the insignificant losers who inhabit the conservative underbelly of Facebook and all turds in between are out in force, stomping their feet like toddlers because they didn’t get their way. It’s hilarious to watch.

Rather than try to address them with reason, calmly explain that not every issue is about Jesus or offer rational explanations as to why they need to STFU, I have a better idea. It’s been a tough week. They’ll need things to keep themselves occupied. Between the loss of the confederate flag, the Obamacare ruling, and the abundance of rainbows on social media in support of the now completely legal gay marriage, we need to keep these freaks from reaching for their guns and calling for an insurrection.

Here’s a list of 5 things right-wing bigots can do to keep their minds off of being such losers.

5. Wear your confederate flag as a cape and run around your neighborhood naked.

Tell your neighbors that if them gays can get married, you can run around naked. Gays and naked are the same thing. You can also date your pets or read Hustler to children, because those are also the same thing as gay. While you’re in jail you can contemplate why you’re so stupid.

4. Stock your bunker with gay-approved foods and Obamacare-approved ammunition.

Westword lists the most gay-friendly foods to be Starbucks, Pepsi, Cheerios, Betty Crocker and Oreos. Nobody cares if you can’t survive a decade of revolution on those things, since nobody cares if you survive a decade of revolution. Obamacare-friendly ammunition is actually very ammosexual friendly. You can stock virtually anything you want, because when you shoot your foot off cleaning your assault rifle you’ll alright. Stupidity is a pre-existing condition, but don’t worry, you’re covered.

3. Re-fashion all of your American flags into confederate flags.

If you inventory all of your flags, shirts, seat covers, beach towels, boxer shorts, blankets and sheets you probably have enough American flag to build yourself quite a few confederate flags. Not one of the official flags of the confederacy, mind you, the Virginia battle flag that isn’t racist because people don’t know it’s REAL history. You know, other than it was adopted by the Klan and the Nazis to represent white supremacy. Don’t worry about destroying your American flags to create more southern pride; nobody considers you American anyway.

2. Invent new and exciting ways to hate stuff.

You Christian righties love that whole Leviticus thing, why not read the rest of it? It’s chock full of forbidden things to hate. Did you know your tattoo is just as forbidden as homosexuality? That’s right, this would be a great time to re-purpose all of your loser “down with Obamacare” and “marriage is between a man and a woman” signs and use them to picket tattoo shops. If you look really hard at the laws of God you’ll find good reason to punish or kill your slave, beat your wife, rape your daughter, and sacrifice your goat. On second thought, leave the poor goat out of this.

1. Put down your phone, turn off your TV, go outside and enjoy the fresh air.

The internet and TV news are not going to be kind to you today. You’re just gonna find yourself all white knuckled with veins popping out of your fivehead as you watch the reports that you’re a loser and your “values” are a load of crap. Nobody cares what you think anymore except your neighbor, who lives in a trailer home remarkably like the one you inhabit. Perhaps the two of you can get together and dig a hole to bury what’s left of your dignity as you realize the nation has moved forward without you.

These are, of course, just suggestions. You right-wing losers are welcome to continue hating any way you like, just as long as you don’t go all freakshow and start showing up at malls ready to kill people in the name of Jesus and morality.

Or you could rainbow your profile picture, let go of the hate, join an ever-evolving and progressive society and embrace diversity. Is that really too much to ask?

Featured image: Charles Topher

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