Since it’s 2015, and the year that Back to The Future’s Marty McFly went, well, back to the future to prevent his future son from robbing a bank, let’s do our own little thought experiment and visit the past. Let’s travel all the way back to the distant time of 2o12, when Captain Capitalist and his walking Jos A Bank advertisements were trying to take over America and finance it to China.
in 2012, Baracknophobia reached Stanley Kubrick movie levels of paranoia and ludicrous prognostication. Ever since Barack Obama furtively came to America from “Kenya” and got elected president by generously compensated George Soros robots, Fox News has been on deathcon 3.
But while Fox News smugly fed the racist and paranoid mindset of their aging angry white guy demographic with a steady stream of anti-Obama propaganda, Republicans weren’t as artful in their attacks and predictions.
Here are four of the most outlandish things Republicans said would come to fruition by 2015 if Obama won reelection. So sit back, relax and watch a group of seemingly normal (well, some) people offer up a bunch of turpentine-laced kool aid to hoodwink low-information voters.
1. Gas was supposed to cost $5.45 per gallon.
Somehow believing that the President has any control over the price of gas (he doesn’t), Teabagger Republican Senator Mike Lee (R-UT) predicted that if Obama was reelected gas would cost $5.45 per gallon by the start 2015. I hate to burst Mike Lee’s fox news bubble, but gas is actually below $2 in many states and markets across the US. And these cheap prices have nothing to do with President Obama, but rather a variety of factors.
According to Hannah Breul, an analyst from the U.S. Energy Information Administration:
The combination of robust U.S. crude oil production growth, a return of Libyan production, despite recent setbacks, weakening expectations for the global economy, particularly in China, and seasonally low refinery demand has reduced oil prices. (Daily News Journal)
But since these deranged Koch brother puppets like to pretend to believe President Obama can control the price of gas, why don’t they ever pretend to thank him when they go down? What if he said that it was his “white part” that pretended to have a part in bringing them down?
2. Unemployment would remain above 8%
In September 2012, Mitt Romney temporarily took time away from the 24-7 Benghazi Show to say that if Obama were reelected, “you’re going to see chronic high unemployment continue four years or longer.” Romney believed that the unemployment rate, which was 8.1% and had been between 8.1% and 8.3% for the entire year, would continue to climb. The corporate mannequin promised that if he were elected, he would cut the unemployment rate to 6 percent come 2017.
Mitt Romney has to be worst psychic on the planet, as the current national unemployment rate is 5.8%…and it’s just 2015. Obviously that doesn’t factor in the number of people who have given up looking for work, but it’s still a pretty decent affirmation of Obama’s success in his second term.
3. The Stock Market would suddenly cease to exist and we would all be hoping for a breadline app on our iPhones.
Not too long after Obama won reelection, America’s favorite pretend presidential candidate, Donald Trump, made dire predictions. But it wasn’t just the guy with the dead tropical bird on his head making nonsensical predictions. Rather, many esteemed economists were saying similar things. For example, Charles Bilderman, the author of the “Intelligent Investing” column at Forbes, said that economic policies in Obama’s second term would cause “stocks to crash. ” Bilderman can join Trump in the never-take-advice-from-these-guys club, as The Dow Jones Industrial Average is an impressive 17,823 and has risen over 35% since Obama was reelected.
Maybe Donald Trump should use his spare time to make art projects out of that thing on his head and sell them on Etsy. I mean, his economic advice is spotty at best.