Now that we’re Republican America, thanks to the millions of voters who decided to stay at home on Election Day and give the rule of the land to the Koch brothers, we need some guidelines for our new reality. For those of us who did not willingly cooperate with this hand-off of power, here’s a list of ways to get with the program:
1. Move to Oregon. This bastion of liberalism, mostly centered around Portland and Eugene, is a balm to the outlier’s soul. With any luck, it’ll secede from the Union. With a little more luck, the Republican Congress will facilitate the secession. If not, thanks to the state’s newly approved marijuana initiative, you’ll at least be free to toke yourself into oblivion until the winds of change blow once more.
2. Become a survivalist. Without a safety net available to you, you’ll do well to learn to live off the land — eating berries, killing deer, filtering water. But you better not delay heading for the hills. They ‘re likely to get mighty crowded real quick.
3. Write a survivalist’s guide. When it becomes a bestseller, you won’t have to move to the hills yourself. You can become part of the 1% and do like they do — laugh all the way to the bank at the expense of the poor suckers living off the land.
4. Move to Washington. Not to D.C. — although you could also toke yourself into oblivion there as of Tuesday — but to the state. They just passed a new gun control law that requires a universal background check, including private sales and transfers, before a person can purchase a firearm. At least there’s one state where your chances of being gunned down by a random idiot have lessened.
5. Invest in fossil fuels. Historically, that’s been one of the best ways to become part of the 1%. With a Republican Congress, the recent slowdown in profits should quickly reverse itself. On the other hand, if you were contemplating investing in renewable energy, forget it. That’s so yesterday and will keep you in the 99%!
6. Start an Underground Railroad to smuggle Americans into Canada. This will require a bit of work because you’ll have to find some Canadians willing to assist, at least by turning a blind eye. This may sound a little too humanitarian for Republican America, but business is going to be booming shortly. There are surely huge profits to be made from those who are already eyeing the Northern border!
7. Learn to like cat food. Cat food, not dog food — which apparently creates really bad flatulence. As a matter of fact, write a book on cooking with cat food. It should make you some money for awhile — at least until the Koch brothers figure out how to jack up the price beyond an average person’s means. In that case, you might have to eat your cat.
8. Buy a new wardrobe. Suits and ties for men. Tight skirts, low-cut blouses, and stiletto heels for women. You want to fit in, don’t you? You want to find a job? Just check out old episodes of Mad Men and you’ll do fine. You can even shop Goodwill. Now there’s a savings for you!
9. Join a church. There are all sorts of benefits to this. You’ll have a bully pulpit to speak from and you can claim all kinds of tax exemptions, plus rights to avoid doing what you don’t want to do while making others do the opposite. It wouldn’t be surprising if churches are soon declared to be people. Just make sure it’s not the Catholic Church. Pope Francis is giving Republicans fits and they’re probably looking for ways to ban his teachings and toss his church all the way back to Rome.
10. Move to Arizona. They’re adopting a constitutional amendment that allows the state government to reject any federal law they want to. The government can also keep any level of official from cooperating with federal laws they don’t like. Really. It’s called Proposition 122 and, as of this writing, it was ahead by 2 percentage points with 97% of precincts counted. This should be especially useful with a Republican Congress in charge of making the laws.
11. Join the Border Patrol. You’ll always have a job on the country’s southern border, even in Arizona. A Republican Congress is no doubt going to find new and inventive ways to keep brown-skinned people, Ebola, and phantom terrorists from crossing the border with Mexico — while giving a wink to the northern border where compatriots will be smuggling Americans across.
See? America is still the land of opportunities. And you thought all was lost!