Another ‘Responsible Gun Owner’ May Face Jail In Florida After Shooting His D*ck Off


There’s nothing like a gripping story out of Florida, where you’re just as likely to be arrested for crashing into a hot air balloon full of unicorns as you are for more common crimes, like burning down your house with a flaming alligator, or drunkenly disrupting your cousin’s wedding with an announcement that you’re already married to the bride.

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Okay, those are all made up, but the headline at the top of this article most certainly is not. Cedrick Jelks (we’ll get back to that last name later) is a 38-year-old man from Jacksonville. Last Friday, Jelks left his pistol on the driver’s seat of his car, loaded with no safety on. That seems counter-intuitive, since we all know that American gun owners are the most responsible people in the world. People like the guy who just took his gun to a pro-Trump rally and ended up shooting himself with it. People like the pregnant woman who killed her boyfriend when he convinced her a book would stop the bullet.

Regardless, in this case, after sitting on the gun and taking a bullet in the Little Cedrick, he burst into the nearest house and sprinted for the bathroom, according to News 4 Jax. The woman inside, 25-year-old Shaneika Roberts, drove him to the hospital. Once there, he underwent an emergency procedure to save what was left of his manhood.

We imagine his manhood looked a little like Florida. (Image via Wikimedia Commons)

The indignity doesn’t end there. Remember that last name, Jelks? Boy, is that close to the medically-correct term for a natural form of penis enlargement. And while that’s kind of funny, what’s not funny is Mr. Jelks’ prior conviction for drug possession. As with any case involving a gunshot wound, the hospital called the police, who arrived to find a man they recognized as a frequent visitor to their facilities. That earlier drug charge meant that Jelks shouldn’t have had the gun to begin with.

I can see the state motto on a sign at the state line now…

Florida: Shoot Your Dick Off, Go To Jail.


Featured image via David Silverman/Getty Images

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