If there is one thing I have learned over the past few years of hosting a political radio show, it’s that Republicans love conspiracy theories. And I am not just talking run of the mill, fun to think about conspiracies, like Aliens built the Pyramids or Elvis is alive and well and playing shuffleboard with the ghost of Colonel Sanders in some Florida retirement community. No, I’m talking over the top nonsensical bullsh*t straight out of the annals of Alex Jones’ sock drawer.
You can always tell the making of a good right wing nutball conspiracy. The symptoms are fairly consistent. Usually these conspiracies revolve around some outrageous claim that liberals are hell bent on destroying America and taking everyone’s freedom, Obama is anything from a Muslim to a Martian, and that horrible things don’t really happen if they have anything to do with guns, racism, or the poisoning of our planet.
Now, I could write a book on the multitude of absurd, batsh#t crazy conspiracies the average right-wing loony believes. Everything from climate change is caused by the President’s secret evil HARP weather machine, to Bin Laden is alive and living in the Obama’s pool house. But, for the sake of time and sanity, I will just list my top 5 insane conspiracies only a Republican would believe.
1) Obama’s Evil Army Of The 12 Ebola Monkeys.
In October of 2014, Thomas Eric Duncan became the first person within America’s borders to die of Ebola. In the following weeks, two other people would contract the deadly disease: Nina Pham and Amber Vinson, both nurses that treated Duncan and mishandled his bodily fluids, leading to their infection. Though only one other person would die from Ebola during the so-called nationwide outbreak, that didn’t stop right-wing fear mongers from drumming up votes by convincing conservative rubes that Ebola was everywhere and Obama was behind it’s nefarious appearance on U.S. soil.
2) Houston, We have A Mental Problem.
Remember Jade Helm 15? The yearly military drills (Hence the 15) that were somehow an evil Obama plot to invade and conquer Texas and, I don’t know, forcefully make Texas part of America? Not also was it believed by many that Obama was using our own military to invade Texas, the conspiracy theories reached a level of insanity that made a Randy Quaid viral video seem tame by comparison. Not also was Obama supposedly invading Texas, but he also had a network of underground tunnels he would use to transport guillotines to behead non-conformers. Let’s not forget the chain of gutted out Walmarts that would be used as re-education camps. The Jade Helm phenomena got so ridiculous that conspiracies involving it included everything from Obama being in cahoots with ISIS, to Obama engineering genetically enhanced unicorns, to Obama ceding Texas to Mexican Warlords via his super secret tunnels that ran from Houston to Guadalajara Mexico.
3) Crisis Actors Took My Gun Away.
You know it’s easy for me to sit here and make fun of all the stupid BS people will make themselves believe just to confirm their bias that Obama is some kind of 21st-century boogie man. But something that does get my blood boiling is the heartless and callous as*holes that scream that the Newtown Massacre was a false flag operation put in motion by Obama to somehow take away their guns. For those of you may not remember the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary, let me recap. On December 14th, 2012 a crazed monster by the name of Adam Lanza gunned town 20 innocent children in a Connecticut Elementary School. Now you would think a sobering event like this would give people pause and unite Americans from both sides of the political fence to work together to try to reign in America’s out of control gun culture. Unfortunately, this tragic shooting only caused the NRA and the gun absolutists to dig their heels in even deeper. Then, because they were so ashamed to admit what their fervent love for guns had wrought, they instead began circulating vile, impossible theories. Like about how they thought Obama had staged the incident as some convoluted plan to eviscerate the 2nd amendment.
4) Vaccines, We don’t Need No Stinking Vaccines!
When I was a kid, getting inoculated against such life-threatening diseases as Measles, Mumps and Whooping Cough was routine and common, and only a crazy person would second guess medicine. Then, in 2010, B-list actress Jenny McCarthy, who appeared in movies like Witless Protection, Crazy Little Thing, and The Stupids that truly reflected her personality, made claims that vaccines gave her son autism. Even though any claims that vaccines are in any way tied to autism have been proven false by the scientific community repeatedly, the growing irrational concern about vaccines has turned into a full blown conspiracy. Theories about the government injecting our children with mind-controlling nanoprobes to be activated by Obama when he finally initiates his evil plan of world conquest. The irony of the whole anti-vaxxer movement that has grown to dangerous proportions is that diseases thought to be long gone like measles are beginning to make a comeback, and McCarthy’s son may not even be autistic as initially believed. A troubling thought that the catalyst of the anti-vaxxer movement may actually be based on a misinterpretation of a less than intelligent washed-up model/actress.
5) The 44th President? Or Secret Kenyan, Muslim, Communist, Vampire, Overlord?
Probably the most insane of all the right wing conspiracy theories is the wide spectrum of absolute nonsensical theories concerning Obama’s Race, Religion, Gender and even Planet of Birth. In 2008, the Birther Movement, led by the now Republican front-runner Donald Trump, was in full motion. The claim that Obama was not born in America but in Kenya, thereby disqualifying him as President, had a stranglehold on a small but growing group of angry conservative nitwits. As tensions grew within the Republican base, and fear levels were amped up by the likes of Fox News and right-wing radio, the theories of Obama’s true nature also grew to new heights of stupidity. Over the course of his Presidency, Obama has been accused of being every scary thing imaginable: from a secret ISIS leader to the Anti-Christ, even a Martian who is here to pave the way for the coming interstellar invasion. As Obama enters his final year as our commander in chief, one can only wonder if the fear, hate, and suspicion of Obama will subside once he is out of the public eye, or if Republicans will be telling their children horrifying tales of The Obama-Man for years to come.
So there you have just 5 of the many things so crazy only the Republican brain is hardwired to accept as reality. Although most of us have at least a few far-out ideas or beliefs, I think it is safe to say that only one side of the political fence is so quick to believe conspiracies that paint Obama as the perpetual villain, and Democrats as the harbingers of tyranny. Is it any wonder the Republican Party is in shambles as it splinters off into 4 or 5 different factions and the typical Republican voter doesn’t know who to hate or blame for all the hardships of their own existence?
Picture Courtesy: The Ignorance Equation