Intercourse is beautiful. Well it can be and it should be, but in some cases it can also be hilariously painful and very news worthy. Why news worthy? Well, 28 couples since 2013 have had this same experience… yes seriously. So here are the top 3 ER visits due to super glue and pressing the flesh:
First up, Martha Weizman, 36, and Mathew Caleda, 41, were literally stuck together in an explicit lovemaking position after learning this the very “hard” way! The couple was checked into the ER and separated after a complex 3 hour surgery that really should have had the surgeon yelling “That’s Jenga” ala Paul, as he finished. Luckily this couple was not permanently damaged… though I am sure Mathew will never bring a bottle of glue to the ‘party’ again.
According to I’m Jus’ Sayin’ Mathew is very into architectural scale models, and apparently grabbed the ‘lube-like’ bottle by mistake. Predictably, as with many super-glue faux pas, the amount of time needed to know you have made the mistake is more than you have to avert disaster.
Folks, they were wheeled into the ER and, though covered in blankets by the paramedics, still drew the attention of many other patients. Blankets do not hide a couple, literally stuck like glue, en flagrante delicto on a gurney.
The second ER visit proves it is not always an accident. Three Wisconsin women were fed up after discovering that the man they were seeing was having sex with all of them after his wife contacted them… well they super glued his member to his stomach:
As he lay prone on the bed, Ziemann opened the motel room door and two other women, Wendy Sewell,44, and Michelle Belliveau,43, burst in. All three had been contacted by the Mr Davis’ wife Tracy Hood-Davis. She had discovered her husband’s affairs and had plotted with them to exact their revenge.
Sadly enough, with the high (really that isn’t very high statistically but ONE super glued sex statue “in the flesh” seems like too many!!!) volume of this sort of accident, there are other, more nefarious stories. “Jealous Husband Glues Wife’s Vagina Shut” is one of them. According to The Mirror in the UK this actually happened! There are Urban Legends out the wazoo too.
Since Super Glue is stubbornly not removing itself from our bedrooms, workshops, and bathrooms, please make sure your super glue and your lube are not stored in the same place. Passion has a way of distracting us!
Finally, the third story has me asking: Is there a warning on the bottle yet “NOT FOR USE AS SEXUAL LUBRICANT” and has anyone that has made this error sued?
One man said he “kind of super-glued myself to…uh…myself.” Apparently he mistook superglue for lube and affixed his hand to his penis, all while having sex with his wife. The unidentified man, in a sleepy slumber, rushed to the ER with his anxious wife, where Dr. Matthew Valente, saw his patient was in excruciating pain. According to the doctor the man’s wife wasn’t even worried about her poor husband, she was worried about making their dinner reservation.
We don’t know if anyone has sued, gut if it were me, I wouldn’t sue, the embarrassment of simply having glued myself to my significant other or my own body, is probably enough publicity!
Feature Image: Huntress’ Uncommon Sense