In light of the shocking details made public by the US Senate Report on CIA Torture, NRA Executive President and surly Muppet-lookalike, Wayne LaPierre, recently weighed in offering a very familiar misattribution— blame the movies, blame the video games, blame the TV shows. More specifically, blame a cartoon:
“In a race to the bottom, many conglomerates compete with one another to shock, violate, and offend every standard of civilized society, by bringing an even more toxic mix of reckless behavior and criminal cruelty… What Trey Parker and Matt Stone have managed to accomplish with their vulgar brand of humor is to undermine the moral authority of the United States.”
LaPierre cites an episode of South Park (Season 06, Episode 08, Red Hot Catholic Love) as being responsible for the “rectal feeding” technique used by the CIA. In the episode, Eric Cartman discovers that by inserting food into one’s rectum, the digestive process will work in reverse (interorectogestion), which allows those who engage in the practice to defecate from their mouths.
And if anyone knows anything about defecating from his mouth, it’s LaPierre:
“We have blood-soaked films out there, like ‘American Psycho,’ ‘Natural Born Killers’ that are aired like propaganda loops on splatter days.. Now, just as these films have created a violent culture, Parker and Stone’s obscene cartoon has instilled perversion in our national intelligence community. We all know that the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun, but we will never be able to stop a terrorist with a dirty bomb using a rectal tube full of hummus.”
The Senate Report details the treatment of at least five detainees who received a puree of hummus, nuts, raisins, and pasta via rectal insertion. Although widely panned as an ineffective and outdated medical practice, former Vice President Dick Cheney maintains that the technique was used to treat dehydrated prisoners. Critics, including LaPierre, claim that the rectal feeding was done to humiliate and abuse.
When asked about the former Vice President’s insistence that poop chute-feeding was a viable medical procedure, LaPierre vehemently stated:
Listen, I know Dick. Dick is a good man. If it wasn’t for that crude television show warping his mind he’d never have approved any of these practices. When you see Martha Stewart depicted on TV inserting a Thanksgiving turkey into her own bum, you tend think that it’s safe. I mean, if you can’t trust Martha Stewart, who can you trust? It’s just another instance of perverse entertainment having disastrous repercussions for society at large. Because of this TV show, Vice President Cheney doesn’t even realize that the practice was perverse and cruel. It’s like the poor guy’s moral compass has been completely obliterated. He’s even begun making bizarre, masochistic requests of Lynne, asking that she ‘feed’ him her holiday fruitcake in a manner similar to the detainees.
As of yet, there has been no official statement from former President Bush, though aides report that the former Commander-In-Chief is busy overseeing construction on his new beach house in South Padre Island, Texas. Reportedly, the former President has become obsessed with building his dream home: a pineapple-shaped villa completely submerged under the Gulf of Mexico.