It’s finally happened: following the lead of this brave Texas pastor, who threatened to do so a few weeks ago, “men of God” are now literally setting themselves ablaze to protest the despicable sin of gay marriage. Why is this scorching hot story not being picked up by the mainstream media though?
After a recent heinous Supreme court ruling, which extended equal rights to sinful Americans (who obviously do not deserve them…praise Jesus!), real Christians are now putting their matches where their mouths are. First slaves, then women and now, shockingly and demonically, even Sodomites want equal treatment? The audacity of “these people” has now started a monumentally fiery movement among the truly devout.
Homosexuals now joining the ranks of real humans and Christian Americans and being able enjoy marriage is like asking God Almighty to smite us all! ANY minute now, there will be locusts and rains of blood will fall and fill the rivers with red death. But these true Christian heroes aren’t waiting around to take that chance.
Fearing God’s wrath, a legion of American God- fearing pastors that swore to kill themselves with “holy fire” are currently dying, engulfed in flames on American streets, before the wailing and lamentations of their now leaderless and adrift fundamentalist followers.
It all started with the drive to keep rights they way they clearly should be: in line with American Christians and their way of life. Biblical law was obviously always the cornerstone of the Constitution, and that will forever be true! Proof positive is that it is the official religion of America, as named by George Washington and legitimized by the first seated Congress of the United States.
These brave pastors are standing up for TRUE American values, which quite clearly place GOD and the parts of the Bible (well, at least the ones that they find relevant) in charge of keeping everyone living in the light of the word of GOD and under Biblical law here in The United States of Christian America.
It seems that the Buddhists have given good advice about the best and most flammable fabrics and accelerants to the heroic religious zealots, crossing lines to support these men in their drive to submit to God’s retribution first — and most painfully. They have stated that while they do not share the Christian pastors’ views, they do support their right to protest — and believe that they will come back in a form more suited to their level of enlightenment.
In keeping with this movement of putting the Christians’ right to protest first, many Pagans wanted to help also, but most pastors think they are Satanists — so that plan fell through. The reply letter from the Christian Burning Man’s Association reportedly included the following:
GET THEE BEHIND US SATAN, THE LORD IS OUR SHEPHERD!!!
(I can’t decipher the rest since it is annotated. The annotation simply reads: “The author was speaking in tongues.”)
How come these fires of truth are not being televised in every household in America? Is it simply the crazy phenomenon that the earthy smell of the immolating portly priests is inspiring neighborhood Barbeques? Or that the Church of the FSM (Flying Spaghetti Monster) is rumored to be providing Marshmallows, Graham Crackers and chocolate at each one in solidarity with the Biblical Backer’s choice to end their lives in protest?
Seriously – this kind of inter-religious body cooperation is news worthy — right?
It is about time we jailed those Atheists who wrote “All men are created equal” — they set us up for this egregious affront to religious freedom!
I, for one, stand with the Church of the FSM in solidarity: pastors, be sure your flock is fed and true, be sure your fire is done responsibly (your local fire department is the right call to make before any planning can be done!) and, more than anything, make sure that you die singing “The Battle Hymn of the Republic”!
Watch the blazing protests in the video below:
Featured image via Huntress for IYON