If you haven’t heard the news from the Christian right about Girl Scout cookies, you’ve either been absent from the internet or your sub-conscience has been trained to weed out the lunacy from your newsfeed.
There’s a concerted effort on the part of the God-fearing neo-Christians to boycott the Girl Scouts of America, and their delicious yearly treats, because they just aren’t quite moral enough to introduce chocolate covered minty magnificence and caramel flavored coconut covered confections to your digestive system.
The Girl Scouts, after all, support gay rights and a woman’s right to choose.
The smear campaign against those adorable beret-bearing young ladies didn’t deter Tom Hanks, who was recently photographed with a troop in Los Angeles buying not one but four boxes of cookies.
One box, maybe. Perhaps his desire for sin was just too irresistible. Two boxes and he’s pushing the envelope of a good old-fashioned stoning, but four boxes?
Surely he’s going to H-E-double hockey sticks.
Not only did Hanks show these girls that even famous people support the evils of women making their own decisions and gay people having the same rights as everyone else with a simple cookie purchase, he donated an extra twenty spot and hung around for a little while taking pictures with fans and helping the troop to sell more of Beelzebub’s bounty.
Official news of the shunning of Tom Hanks by such industry giants as Kirk Cameron should hit Yahoo by morning. So far, Amazon hasn’t reported a drop in “Forrest Gump” or “The Green Mile” DVD sales, but surely that news can’t be far behind.
Other celebrities have been much more covert about their cookie purchases. Rumor has it that Beyonce sent Jay-Z in a black hoodie to buy her a dozen boxes of Tag Alongs, and reports of Bradley Cooper spying Samoas through a sniper scope from atop the Superdome have (not really) emerged.
The bottom line here is simple. Leave the Girl Scouts alone, you hapless freaks. They’re learning decision-making, team-building, civic duty and people skills, something you imbeciles have no idea about.
Lighten up. After all, life is like a box of… Thin Mints.