The 1960s were an era of free love, sexual freedom and sex positive culture. We’ve since taken a different turn toward being far more uptight. From Janet Jackson’s nipple being exposed to abstinence-only education to televisions being filled more with violence than with expressions of physical affection, we have become a culture that body-shames, slut shames and downright lady-shames. But how does this impact us on the micro level?
The Tumblr site How To Make Me Come didn’t set out to do anything overtly feminist it was to be nothing more than an anonymous group of essays by women about the female orgasm. If you were free of judgement or repercussion what would you say? If you weren’t scared of being called a slut or a whore for liking sex or prioritizing pleasing your own body, what would you write? What would you want potential lovers or ex-lovers to know?
“When we talk about female orgasm, something deeper is at play—for one, the societal assessment and conversation of female sexuality,” the site reads. “The consequences of which bleed into the areas of our lives far outside the bedroom. We wanted to start a dialogue about how women achieve sexual pleasure; something that is often ignored, devalued, or misunderstood. Here is our look into the spectrum of desire. Of frustration. Of experiences that have left an impact… This is just the beginning. Let’s start talking…”
One woman talked about being a lesbian and sleeping with men for the first time being decent, but she hated when they tried to give oral sex. “I decided men had no idea how to go down on women. Let’s face it, I’ve worked with real experts,” she wrote. “But then I met you,” she writes of her current lover, and he ends up surprising her.
Another described women being taught to please and “to be demure and let people do things to us.” She wrote of an encounter with a man who pushed himself further down her throat choking her in their first sexual encounter. That it was too much too fast. “It’s not often women are honest; there is something to learn here about listening to signals and reading them well.”
After a four and a half year relationship with her high school sweetheart, sans orgasm, one woman described one afternoon after he’d finished and went in the other room to watch television. She grabbed her vibrator. Determined. Finally, it was her moment. “I yelled, ‘I’M ORGASMING!’ out loud, to which he responded, ‘Ok.’ I should have known right there that he wasn’t for me,” she wrote. Wow. She went on to meet the perfect guy who got her off an expert way. Told her she was beautiful. Took time and effort. But then he decided it wasn’t love. They kept hooking up, but “he doesn’t tell me I’m beautiful because he doesn’t care to, doesn’t think he should. As if casually hooking up with him now makes it so I’m not owed any respect.”
There are certain things you should ask before doing. Consent is attractive. No means no. For reasons passing in understanding, some don’t understand this fact. Such was the case with one woman who would be having sex with her and at some point would decide he wanted to have anal sex. “Let me also say, none of these guys asked, they just did; as if the act wasn’t bad enough it was always a surprise!”
These posts go from positive experiences to negative experiences. There are far too many experiences that are disappointing. But thankfully there are positive stories that will give you hope in humanity. Hopefully, lovers can read the site and find it useful. Maybe, if we’re really lucky, some day people will see women as people and not vessels of pleasure. They’ll let women control our own pleasure and allow us to experience it without shame. Someday.
Feature image via Wikimedia commons.