Sunday Sermon: Thou Shalt Not Terrorize Thy Neighbor’s Children, So Help You Cthulhu


This is an open letter to the Christian terrorists living in Lake Charles, Louisiana. Since I don’t know you, and there’s no threat of you leaving notes in MY mailbox — “We know who you are. We know where you live. We know where you work.” — I’m not going to be as polite as the atheist you’ve decided to persecute with “God’s love.” Go to hell — whatever form that concept takes inside your sick brain, just pull up a chair and stay while. There’s not one chance in a million you actually understand the “love and message of the Lord” you claim to follow.

Those voices inside your head? That’s not God, Allah, Yahweh or any other monotheist notion of an eternal being. He (or She) who tells you “I am who I am,” is most likely just an auditory hallucination — a symptom of a schizophrenic disorder, manic depression or psychosis. Look, if talking to your inner voice gives you peace of mind — God bless. Did those voices tell you to harass a neighbor and threaten their children? A qualified psychiatrist will most likely prescribe some pretty heavy-duty tranquilizers; the bad news is, medication probably won’t rid your diseased mind of the voices.

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I’ve read your notes to Mr. Jeffels, and I must say — PROOFREAD! Jesus, Mary and Joseph, that was a hot mess. I agree, sinner, “the Lord works in VERY mysterious ways” — but WHY the Lord our God didn’t send you a tutor (you are, after all, supposedly speaking for the Alpha and Omega), remains a mystery to me. Perhaps the ‘King of Kings’ thought providing those red, squiggly lines under all the misspelled words on your computer screen would have been sufficient warning that you were about to make a fool of yourself — and, by extension, the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Blasphemer! REPENT!

I think it’s only fair that we let others in on the ‘mystery of your faith,’ disturbing as that may be for the faint of heart. I want you to know how exceedingly difficult it was to recreate the litany of grammatical errors and misspellings on my computer (not unlike like my phone, it assumes it’s smarter than I am and “auto-corrects” those pesky mistakes). Full disclosure: my phone IS smarter than I am — at least at times.

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We know who you are. We know where you live. We know where you work. You’re little group of devil worshippers isn’t welcome here. Let the love and message of the Lord filter through you and may you escape from the eternal damnation that you have condemned you and you’re innocent children to. Repent you’re Satanistic ways or you will find that the Lord works in VERY mysterious ways. You are against God and are not welcome in this area and we WILL spread his message to the hearts and minds of your innocent children. To deny His word to your children is abuse, and if you do not learn to love Him and His word then we will have no choice but to take action to protect your children from your devil-enabling ways. Do not even try to report this to the police — we are every where and His work will be done in His name thru us, the true beleivers.

Shàngdì (literally ‘King Above’) only knows what you were thinking. Let’s set aside the implied threat, as long as you’re aware that you are in clear violation of Louisiana Revised Statute 14:40.2: the “repeated following or harassing of another person that would cause a reasonable person to feel alarmed or to suffer emotional distress.” There’s no law against the polite gentlemen (wearing their neatly pressed black slacks, crisp, white shirts, neckties and sensible shoes) from ringing my doorbell and asking: “have you found Jesus?” I freely admit, more than once I’ve been tempted to reply, “Gosh, I didn’t realize he was missing.” Leaving these notes in Mr. Jeffel’s mailbox? That crosses the line.

The law is pretty clear in Louisiana: “Stalking shall include but not be limited to the intentional and repeated uninvited presence of the perpetrator at another person’s home, workplace, school, or any place which would cause a reasonable person to be alarmed, or to suffer emotional distress as a result of verbal or behaviorally implied threats…” and I’d have to believe your suggestion that the kids need an exorcism would apply.

Let’s also dismiss the notion that Mr. Jeffel’s “group” threatens you or your ability to worship Shiva, “The Auspicious One,” in any way you deem worthy. The monthly secular meetings at Community Mission Chapel aren’t that dissimilar from any group of friends that get together to share a glass of wine or enjoy the fellowship of one another’s company — y’know, like “church.” And if you’re thinking atheists drive down your property values by “infecting this area and driving THE ONE TRUE GOD out,” it probably just slipped your mind that the Author of Life is omnipotent.

Trust me when I tell you that Jehovah-Jireh will smite you with His mighty smiting-finger-of-doom if you ever again say anything like: “We have warned you before, we are warning you again. We will stop you any way we have too (sic). He has mysterious ways. Keep you’re (sic) family close.” Har-naik faraih, give me strength.

Here endeth your Sunday Sermon™, kids. The Ruler of the Universe goes by many names and is worshipped by many tongues (especially with a nice red sauce and a bottle of Chianti). Can I get a rAMEN from my Pastafarian brothers and sisters? NONE of mankind’s deities condone this behavior; the only modern-day parallel I can think of (although extreme) are the terrorists in Syria and the Levant (ISIL, ISIS, or IS), who blaspheme the Holy name of Allah by professing to speak for Islam. They no more represent Muslims — than you do Christians. May Cthulhu* have mercy on your soul.

You’re welcome.

Cthulhu is one of many fictional deities; a mix between a giant human, an octopus, and a dragon — depicted as being hundreds of meters tall, with human-looking arms and legs and a pair of rudimentary wings on its back.

H/T: Patheos

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