From the “I can’t believe this didn’t happen in Florida file”:
Martin Eugene Hoyer, 51, of Washington State, was on a 2 day methamphetamine bender when he broke into his neighbor’s house with a handgun tucked into the waistband of his pants. Police reports say that when he did this, the gun went off and a bullet lodged in his scrotum. They reported that Hoyer was not seriously hurt (how is this possible?), but still faces assault, harassment, and unlawful firearm charges as a result of the incident.
All fun aside, it is important to note that Hoyer had 4 previous felony convictions and was still able to get a gun. This is a man who smoked $100 worth of meth in two days.
Three other firearms were also found in his home.
Before barging into his neighbor’s house, Hoyer was threatening another woman through her window with his gun and talking about how voices were coming through the air vents in his house to tell him “a bunch of Mexicans and white guys” were coming to steal his truck and all his money.
After threatening the woman, Hoyer started actually seeing the Mexicans in the trees who were going to attack him. He also realized the Mexicans were in his neighbor’s apartment, getting her to help them break into his house.
This is the point where Hoyer became Captain Second Amendment and broke into her place to save her from his hallucinations, causing the gun to go off. The bullet, according to medical reports, glanced off his hip bone, went into his lower abdomen, then ended its travel path in his family jewel bag.
Again, HOW was this guy not seriously hurt by this?
The best part is, this is not a new occurrence for Hoyer. He already had a bullet from a previous gunshot injury lodged in his body.
This story is obviously hilarious, but it is extremely frightening as well. A multiple felony convicted heavy drug user was able to willy-nilly get access to 4 guns total. Nobody just wakes up one day and decides to smoke 100 bucks worth of meth in 2 days either. This was a person with a long felony history and obvious history of heavy drug use. In America however, this simply does not disqualify you from owning a small arsenal with which you could lay waste to your neighborhood. But clearly, if you ask the NRA, they would be very upset that a neighbor didn’t execute this person. Instead now, sadly for the NRA, he will be sent to a facility where he will just go on living and those shiny bullets will be just little pellets of wasted patriotism.
Featured Image: Big Lebowski Screen Capture