Patriotism is defined as love for or devotion to one’s country. In today’s America, the term “patriot” has been hijacked by right-wing conservative nutjobs who think their bigoted 19th century ideologies are what makes a person a patriot.
This simple 12 question test will tell you if you qualify as one of today’s true patriots by those standards.
1. Do you Hate the President and feel the need to include his middle name, “Hussein,” every time you talk about him?
Answer yes if your reasons for hating him are because he “broke” the constitution, lied about Benghazi, spent more taxpayer money on golf than Reagan did on anything, was born in Kenya, supports terrorists or hates America, but certainly not because he’s black.
2. Do you support our troops? Not just support them, but really, really support them?
Answer yes if you believe those who volunteer are the grooviest, regardless of their actions, unless the President traded some prisoners for them in which case they suck.
3. Do you believe tax breaks for the wealthy and corporations are the answer to all of our economic problems?
Answer yes if you have no understanding of economics and have been living under a rock for the last thirty years while those policies have choked the middle class and destroyed the American dream.
4. Do you think the taxes withheld from your paycheck go directly to the EBT cards of lazy people?
Answer yes if you think everyone should just go get a job, regardless of their socioeconomic situation, health conditions, retirement status or the fact that they’re 7 years old. You should also believe that people on public assistance are living better than you on their $6 per day worth of food stamps.
5. Do you believe the constitution should be strictly adhered to, no matter what?
Answer yes if you believe the 2nd amendment is under siege, don’t understand that the language of the 14th amendment supersedes the 10th, and feel the 1st is peachy as long as we can establish Christianity as the national religion. You should also be unaware that article 3 section 2 establishes a Supreme Court’s authority over all cases in law and equity arising under the constitution, unless they’re finding in favor of Jesus or Citizen’s United.
6. Do you believe your right to bear arms was granted by God himself?
Answer yes if you think God wants law-abiding citizens to have arsenals handy in case they need to shoot at federal agents, protect our children’s schools with deadly weapons and safeguard the public from bad guys by carrying assault rifles through Home Depot.
7. Do you believe you’re not a racist?
Answer yes if you think black people should be more like white people and Latinos should all be deported, regardless of where they were born. You should also believe that every single person of color that isn’t the one you know or the registered Republicans you read about are on welfare and are currently working on having 11 more children so they can stay that way. This has nothing to do with skin-color or bigotry, it’s simply what’s good for the country.
8. Are you pro-life?
Answer yes if you believe all life is sacred with the exception of death row inmates, all Muslims, anyone you feel the need to shoot because you’ve deemed them a threat to your family or country and Barack Hussein Obama, who should be stoned to death for treason. You should also believe that life begins at conception without understanding that 40% of fertilized eggs never attach to the uterine wall, making 4 out of 10 abortions God’s fault.
9. Do you think climate change is a leftist hoax?
Answer yes if you’ve decided the only reason climate change is an issue is to make Al Gore rich and provide job security for 98% of the world’s scientists. You always take notice when its cold outside but decide to forget the issue between the months of June and October.
10. Do you support school prayer?
Answer yes if nobody has told you that your children are more than welcome to pray in school whenever they like and that if you depend on public officials to instill spirituality and morality in your children that you’re a failure as a parent.
11. Do have a hard time telling the difference between “there,” “their,” and “they’re?”
Answer yes if one of you’re favorite arguments is telling people how informeded and edumacated you are, but that your not very concerned about things like grammer and, spelling.
12. Is your default argument “never forget Benghazi?”
Answer yes if you don’t care that both chambers of congress found no wrongdoing on the part of the administration, that there was no “stand down order,” that the president called the attack “acts of terror” hours later in the Rose Garden and that the CIA was there in under 30 minutes to rescue the bulk of the occupants of the building. Hillary Clinton said “what difference does it make,” therefore…BENGHAZI!
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, congratulations:
“Your a Patriot!”
You should run right out and buy 2 Gadsden flags, one to fly over your house and another to tie to the roll bar of your Jeep. You’ll also need 30 American flags to strategically place around your property, wrap yourself in for photo ops and sneak up the flagpoles of unwitting neighbors who fly a flag they may be proud of.
Your “Nobama” bumper sticker is on its way.
Featured Image: Reddit