Dish Network subscribers are now statistically more intelligent now that Fox News is no longer available for their propaganda gathering pleasure. During the Faux News blackout, those conservative Republicans who rely on misinformation from
credible sources blonde eye candy and college dropouts will need to find something else to occupy their time.
Here’s some suggestions you can pass on to your Uncle Rudy this Christmas while he rants and raves about how Obama made Dish drop Fox.
10.) Come up with new nicknames for the President.
Sorry, but “Obummer,” “Oblamer” and “Obama Bin Lyin'” are just old and played out. Maybe this time away from drooling over Meghan Kelly and/or Shepard Smith would be a good opportunity for a little bit of creativity.
9.) Go to the grocery store and take pictures of people using EBT cards.
In these trying times it’s always good to remind yourselves that the hungry are taking money directly out of your pockets. Don’t forget to take close-ups of things like chips, cookies and ice cream. Lord knows we wouldn’t want those children to feel at all normal. Demand that they put those items back and purchase ground beef and chicken thighs instead.
8.) Shame some minimum wage workers.
Not teenagers. Teenagers are the ones who should have those jobs, since they live with their parents and have no bills. No, make sure to shame the single mothers first, they’re the ones who made poor choices, spent time at home instead of increasing their ‘human capital’ and should now pay for it by working for peanuts. Go after anyone else over 20 next, telling them they don’t work hard enough to deserve a raise as they toil in 90 degree kitchens and lug boxes around warehouses for a pittance.
7.) Complain about how racist black people are because you’re not racist.
Remind them that slavery ended in 1864 and that they should just get over it already. Let them know that they create their own destiny, even though the socioeconomic isolation of the black community over the last 150 years allows for a minute percentage of inner-city kids to get out. Tell them to stop listening to the music they like and dressing how they want while you mouth another David Allen Coe song in your confederate flag shirt. Black people are the problem with black people, after all. Maybe if they were more like you and less like them there wouldn’t be a you versus them mentality.
6.) Clean your guns.
Make sure they aren’t loaded first. Maybe you’ll want to test the theory that loaded weapons can be cleaned if you know what you’re doing. If you succeed, you should go buy more guns and tons of ammo and keep trying.
5.) Complain about Obama taking away your guns.
Now that your guns are clean and your ammo is fully stocked, it’s time to find a like-minded individual (may we suggest a titillating Facebook page like “Impeach Obama”) and declare that your guns are being taken from you and let everyone know that when they go door to door to confiscate firearms from law-abiding citizens you will summarily execute those commie socialist Nazi Feds with great prejudice.
4.) Post pictures to your timeline of aborted fetuses.
Because all life is sacred. Except of course those commie socialist nazi feds, anyone who’s a Muslim and criminals on death row. Surely the bible didn’t mean them when it proclaimed “thou shalt not kill.” Fetuses are all that matters, even though they tend to turn into those hungry kids whose food you were taking pictures of earlier.
3.) Organize the canned food in your bunker alphabetically.
When the revolution comes you won’t have to sort through your green beans to get to the canned peaches. Fruits shouldn’t even be on the same shelf, but you probably already know that. Make sure you have enough water to dilute your condensed soups, and remember, salty snacks like crackers and pretzels will make you thirsty, so be sure there’s no less than 40 cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon on hand. You don’t want to be thirsty AND sober when FEMA pulls into your driveway to inter you in one of their camps.
2.) Go online and look at pictures of Fox News anchors.
Or for the same effect go on RedTube and search “clueless no talent blonde bimbos.” For a real treat you can add things like “glasses,” ” short skirt legs crossed” and of course “wardrobe malfunction.” Should you still be unsatisfied you can listen to podcasts of Hannity or Limbaugh to further…stimulate yourself.
1.) Find an actual news station and educate yourself.
Maybe Dish Network is sending you a message that it’s time to leave the realm of fiction as news and join the real world. With very little effort you can learn about things like science, history, and how our government actually works. Some news stations even use these things called “sources” that make your journey from idiocy to reality smooth and enjoyable. After you’ve seen how the reasonable live, revisit the first nine items on the list, kick yourself for being so utterly gullible and volunteer at a food pantry or soup kitchen as penance. There will be poor people there with their children. Introduce yourself as “formerly naive” and enjoy what being a decent human being can be like.
Featured Image: Charles Topher