Judge David E. Cain is in the running for douchebag of the year and it’s only the 11th day of 2016. The republican judge had zero tolerance for what he considered to be a frivolous lawsuit, so he decided he would fulfill an item off his bucket list while being a complete jerk in the process.
The Columbus Dispatch reported that the lawsuit was filed after an inmate in the Correctional Reception Center in Orient, Ohio was forced to defecate in his pants on September 17. Darek Lathan was in line for recreation when he asked a guard if he could use the toilet. He told the officer he was suffering from diarrhea. However, his request was denied and he lost control of his bowels.
In the lawsuit Lathan asked for $2 million in damages for the “harassment, embarrassment, ridiculing (sic) and emotional distress” he experienced after inmates discovered what had happened.
Judge Cain says he spent an hour (not counting a break for lunch) composing this poem in response:
Cold showers caused his bowels to malfunction
Or so the plaintiff claims
A strict uncaring prison guard
Is whom the plaintiff blames.
While in line for recreation
And little time for hesitation
His anal sphincter just exploded
The plaintiff’s britches quickly loaded.
It made the inmates laugh and play
To see the plaintiff’s pants this way
The foul, unsightly, putrid mess
Caused the plaintiff major stress.
Claiming loss and shame to boot
The plaintiff filed the present suit
But the law provideth no relief
From such unmitigated grief.
Neither runs nor constipation
Can justify this litigation
Whether bowels constrict or flex
De minimus non curat lex.
Columbus Dispatch notes that the Latin phrase used as the last line means “the law does not concern itself with trifles.”
Judge Cain said of the lawsuit:
You know, if he is going to file something that frivolous, he can’t expect me to be too judicious in how I respond. He can’t expect me to take it seriously.
Umm, the man was denied going to the bathroom while suffering an illness. He had a legitimate condition requiring immediate use of the lavatory. That is inhumane. While the amount of money he was requesting for his pain and suffering may have been exorbitant, the basis of his lawsuit certainly wasn’t frivolous.
Rather than providing even a sliver of justice to the 47-year-old who was serving a 17-month sentence for vandalism, he decided to take the opportunity to “have some fun.” He told reporters:
“I only have three years to go. If there is anything I want to do I better get about doing it.”
Due to an age restriction, Judge Cain will not be seeking re-election, thankfully.
Featured image via Twitter (modified)